end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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