I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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