I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
