Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
