Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
