U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
