I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
