I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
