Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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