Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Randomize
