Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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