I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
