you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
how drunk are you?
Several
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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