Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
