All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
