he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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