I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize