The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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