the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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