I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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