No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
