clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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