u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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