The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
