My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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