if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
