if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
