if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
