Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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