I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
