Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
