Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
