I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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