Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
