i wish there were pregnant emoticons
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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