I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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