sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
