if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If I die, sorry about rent.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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