I can text with my tongue
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
