remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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