I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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