My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
