I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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