i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
