i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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