I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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