I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
