Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
