evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
