he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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