you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
