Duck Duck Cougar?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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