I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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